when…
when…
when… i turn 40
when i have a full time job
when i come out to my parents
when i get my citizenship
when the kids are in high school
when i have more confidence
when i have peace and quiet
when i find a partner
when i lose 25 pounds
when i have top surgery
when i learn to dance
when i buy that coat
when i have more free time
when i get off these meds
when my heart mends
when the pain stops
…i will be happy!
happiness (noun)*
a : a state of well-being and contentment
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
*merriam-webster.com
happiness
a capitalist invented commodity achievable through hard work
(specifically sold to immigrants and poor and working class people)
promised to me at age 7 upon arrival
told if i worked hard at learning english by not speaking spanish
focused on being well behaved and better than the girls who came after me
who were more brown and less complacent
then i would be a successful student able to someday get a higher education and a good paying job so i could buy all the nice things that would bring me
…happiness
happiness
a reward bestowed upon quiet well behaved queer, trans and two-spirit people
(as long as you don’t look too gay!)
denied to her because she was 16 and too obvious
couldn’t take her eyes off laura when she walked into our grade 11 religion class
the teacher watched her watching her
humiliated her into paying attention to the lesson not the new girl
she
sat in shame the next day and the entire rest of that year as we discussed the value of co-creation between a man and a woman
repeatedly warned that god hates the sin not the sinner so you can be gay if you really need to be but
just
don’t
advertise it
happiness
a feeling depicted through a joyous luscious smiling mouth
kissed too young and too soon by a man old enough to be his father
and filthy enough to destroy any desire of being kissed again
asked years later why his mouth turns up stale and averse when he watches other people kiss
….he just smiles
when she calls him a sissy
he just smiles
when he tells him to go back to where he came from
he just smiles
when they make eye contact across the room
he smiles
when they tell him he is a good dancer
he smiles
when they ask if he is free on thursday evening for ice cream
he smiles
when they tell him they like him
he
smiles
eyes closed
stands in front of the mirror
remembering the words…i…like…you…i…like…you…i…like…you…i…like…
eyes open he sees an unrecognizable smile across his face
desire mischievousness surprise
is this what a queer smile looks like?
bold yet subtle
residing somewhere between melancholy and joy
between pain and resistance
a resistance born of glitter lace and bowties
struggling to carve out a space for our stories
for our lives
authentically existing in all our contradictions and disappointments
a queer smile
invites you in
stretches from me to you to them without us having to know each other
you see me
i see you
a queer smile
is ecstasy and sorrow
the delight in your eyes when you smile with little children and talk about the yellow roses in your grandmothers garden
contrasting the loneliness weighed down by the years of rejection and ridicule
by grief aging and depression
a queer smile is grief
so fleeting there is no guarantee of its arrival or departure
its scent residing in the most unexpected places
it shows up and leaves you and shows up and leaves you…
you smile and tell me grief is just another space to rest
a queer smile is a killjoy
constantly bringing the truth to their reality that is our reality
concurrently existing with/in their colonial happiness
we can only speak to what we know
see where it lands
see where it goes
a queer smile is performance
knowingly and unknowingly
necessary for providing what they assume we are giving for free in exchange for our liberation
a queer smile is our smile
joyful and fabulous
breathtaking and magical!
!
